Only in Alabama do they play hymns in a bar!!!
don't wear any deodorant. we have to do everything we can to sabotage this wedding
its like my vagina has this homing beacon out to all the guys saying "come find me, i havent been shaved in weeks"
i grabbed his hand and told him i loved him and then he looked down and said "i love...mallomars" and shoved like three in his mouth. never been so embarrassed.
My plan for valentine's day: take a shot for every guy I've slept with. To keep me from going to the hospital I'm only doing half a shot for small dicks
he thought he was parachuting out of a plane... talk about a bad trip.
like the only thing i remember is bringing a piece of toast to the bar...
THIS IS NO TIME FOR SHAME JOSH. JUST GOTTA GET IT IN. PURELY FOR LEVELING UP PURPOSES
People dont know what to do when a naked fat guy is running towards them. they panic
I have a gay crossdressing neighbor that's dresses up as a slutty pirate. 6 beers from now I would have hit on him. I hate halloween.
I partied with 2 slutty ninja turtles from Sweden last night, I Love Halloween.
I wanna go back to school and change my major to psych just to make a case study out of her
She just called at a dance party, and you stopped mid puke to join. Another successful night.
I don't get it. If he broke into Taco Bell at 2 am, then why couldn't he have brought me home a fucking taco???
He’s 21. The president of his frat. I’m 28 and have a career!
Do it. It’s a noble position.
Tell me I'm drunk and you have to come get me. It's usually true. They'll believe you.
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