...i apologize for hitting you up so much tonight im just kinda in a little pickle. im going to sleep in my car near u so pretty plz lmk if you head home...
I think that i just found proof that harry and ginny had sex
My hand is eating my burrito and not saving any for my mouth. TRIPPPPPPPPPPPPPPINN!
oh no you fucking didn't eat my mac and cheese you cunt
No... We were arguing over whose family is more dysfunctional... Then my brother stumbled in and puked all over jakes ugly dog.
dude she was givin me head and stops and looks up at me and tells me she loves me, then goes ''alright now cum in my mouth''.... pretty sure shes the one
why oh why did i suck thise tits. nothing but trouble fuuuuuu
THERE WAS A HANDPRINT OF BLOOD ON HIS SHOULDER
Security has videotape of her blowing the boss against his car. Don't they know he entire parking lot is under video surveillance?
Dude, we tried to feed you but you just started sobbing and ran away
Sexting Captain while emailing my eharmony match about my low key weekend is hard.
I found a new button on my vibrator, tonight was a success
I possibly am a tad bit not really but maybe slightly intoxicated.
Dear Andy-the problem is not that I slept with your girlfriend, it's that you didn't know she's a lesbian.
He was actually surprised when I poured myself a glass full of straight vodka. Clearly he doesn't know me as well as he thinks.
Randomize
