When I masturbate I pretend my dick is the slap chop an I'm destroying vegtables. Do you think that's a eating disorder?
I was cleaning up my drunken mess and I found my ID in a cereal box
She celebrated a negative pregnancy test by going out to Quizno's. I really don't understand her at all.
New plan, instead of sleeping with her, I'm just going to use her to sleep with the entire sorority.
The words "my birth control fell out" should never be spoken
just because she threw up on my junk doesnt mean i dont like asians anymore
I know she was blacked out, but she looked directly at the toilet and said "we meet again"
Swear to god, if I have to wingman for you on my honeymoon I'm gonna be pissed
Found half of a five day old piece of pizza behind my dresser. Apparently it was drunkenly set there and got knocked down. It was such a happy reminder of last weekend.
I found a cheeseburger next to my tub once. It's there to shame you, but it always just makes me feel more awesome.
I've lost all respect for marriage since I joined this bachelor party.
sex on the stairs. not our finest idea.
Would you like season tickets to my vagina?
I know now that the cab driver can get me a 10 dollar blow job. I'm practically a local.
Give it up bro. I’m not wearing pants or a bra and only an act of god could change that
I wish I was taller so I could give these boobs the publicity they deserve.
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