I hope the kids appreciate the fact that I jizzed on her instead of on their slide.
Apparently mid blow job I started crying telling her how "Wonderful this blow job is"
no memory loss, but i'm unhappy with my memories
I think I breastfed the cat at some point during the night, at least that's what my nipples are saying
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
We just licked a sour creme and onion chip for salt for a tequila shot. Our vacation has officially begun.
Dude totally calling you out on watching when harry met sally on netflix on demand on april 8th.
If I ever write a book, i'm calling it "why do i work with fucktards?"
It'll be a good sequel to my other book, "why do i sleep with fucktards?"
ugh... thank God for ATM withdrawal limits. I was drunk enough to give that weird shaped stripper all of my money while making her cry in the back room.
I'm literally taking a shit naked holding a bottle of wine.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
When your hungover saltines taste like hope...
I woke up and there was a mans ass as my screensaver...
I just stole a bunch of balloons from a birthday party and am giving one to each person at the bar.
Snow days are when you really appreciate that your neighbor is on your bang roster.
I have successfully trained your dog to bring me pudding cups!
she hand cuffed me to the bed naked, jumped off the dresser naked, hit her head on the fan and knocked herself out. when her mom came home i had to call her for help, she could have died man...
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