I just spread your mom's ashes with my new girlfriend. I wouldve waited for you to fly home but she was uncomfortable in the house with her remains there. I'll mail you the urn since u handpainted it.
YOU HAVE A GIRLFRIEND ALREADY!?! WTF WE JUST HAD HER FUNERAL 3 WEEKS AGO!!!!!!!!!!!!
She said she never had to courage to go fully shaved. Since when did shaving your snatch become courageous?
im spending all my christmas money on new years parafanalia aka things I will ingest or lose by the next morning
The hookah bar is playing i'm on a boat. I believe in god again.
found your viking helmet in the parking lot this morning, its missing a horn. There was still liquor in the remaining horn. shots from a viking helmet should be mandatory.
Absolutely. Last time I signed up for a softball league I had sex with my high school economics teacher.
NEW RULE: NO INNAPROPRIATE CHOICES THAT INVOLVE GUNS. I LIKE IT. WRITE THAT DOWN.
It's funny to me the only time that you clean up is when your weed delivery man is on the way.
My roommate definitely just walked in on me playing the piano naked.
By piano you mean.....
Like literally a piano.
Ohhhh that's kind of embarrassing.
I just got nudes while talking in the third person. Not sure if I Should be proud or ashamed.
No like he has curves. I remember thinking he had a nicer body than me
So is that the only criterion for shenanigans now? Don't die?
Whats a little naked between friends. Just don't laugh or I'll be scared for life.
According to the arrest report, I shouted "no, YOU put some pants on" at the cop. Downhill from there.
I feel like I got hit by a car. But a small car, like a Beetle or a Mini or something.
Randomize
