I woke up at 7am naked in my bathtub with the shower running. My apartment was so full of steam that my ceiling was dripping. Who thought it would be okay for me to get my own place, anyway?
Watching NYC prep. Doing a shot everytime one of these d-bags flips his hair. I give it 10 minutes before alcohol poisoning set in.
if i get the "i'm engaged" text one more time, i'm going to shoot myself in the face so my cats won't eat it when i die alone.
Give me the approximate price and I'll give you the equivalence in blowjobs.
you broke a plate. told her her wedding china was ugly and you were doing her a favor. then proceeded to break every plate you could get your hands on.
That chick needs a catscan. And fuck it, we're still ordering in a stripper
Just got a blowjob in her closet with two people sleeping outside in the room. I feel like the emperor of college.
Why doesn't the washer have a puke setting?
hoooly shit dude in taco costume challenged alpha douche to a fight. he's got catch phrases. come. now.
When you're awkward as a teenager, it never goes away. You just mask it. With makeup. And boobs.
Haha, maybe if he wasn't dressed up like Kimmy Gibler he could give her the D
just shotgunning some tallboys in the cooler, you?
HOW DO YOU GET RAISES EVERY TWO WEEKS?!
You cried for a while then lifted lots of weights then cady's ex put glitter on your tits and then you took a nap. I got you pizza and brought you home. Nothing too exciting.
Don't be the guy that has his dick out at work.
He tried to throw up into a beer bottle. It was a complete disaster. Vomit went everywhere. It put the Bellagio's fountain to shame.
Randomize
