so i am drinking whiskey and watching home alone 2 by myself. it turns out moving to a foreign country isn't all that different after all.
She's never had brie before last night, don't know if I can date a girl that doesn't like soft cheeses.
At home depot. Final room inspection is tmrow, gotta paint over the puke stains
I only remembered where urgent care was because it's across the street from my favorite bar
So was it you or me who decided it was a good idea to inscribe fuck you on the counter?
That was me. Just a 'welcome to our home' kinda thing.
This lumberjack with a huge beard is doing his group presentation in a dirty t shirt that says "I'm only 2 girls short of a threesome"
It was more like a tour de entire bottle of wine in 14 minutes
I got you a "sorry you think I'm pregnant" present
I had a dream he was standing in front of me naked and flexing while yelling VICTORY and gizzing all over the floor.
10/10 dentists agree that he is one bangable mother fucker. hint: i am all of these dentists.
Am I getting cock blocked by karaoke? That's a first.
It may be a clusterfuck, but I'll be looking classy as shit as I watch the nightmare unfold
Please clarify that he is speaking of beer pong and not rough sex
He grabbed at it like it was a stress ball or something. It's a boob, not a grapefruit. The fuck.
On a scale of 1 to 10, with 1 being “good” and 10 being “banging a student’s father”, how bad is it that I’m banging a student’s father?
Randomize
