Just bummed a recreational vicodin off my friend's 40 year old boyfriend & am hoovering a breakfast sammy from costco. And I don't have a boyfriend because why?
no.. I went home. Puking up hot dogs and lemon tart isn't as lovely as it sounds.
Dude. He drives a mini. Therefore he's a virgin
If he really loved his girlfriend then he'd wear a condom when he fucks me.
Just found a peacock feather in my car. Should I be the least bit concerned about this?
I'm watching him slurp a whole mango out of her hand. It's disturbingly arousing.
Swear to god our friendship has its limits. Stop peeing on the fucking refrigerator.
the amount of chicks and firearms here is unnerving. this will end awesomely or at the morgue.
I had a dream about a vibrator with 42 different settings. If that's not a good indication I need to get laid, I don't know what is
If I don't have hickies that last till tuesday, I didn't do this weekend right
I slept with one of the directors so you would get a good price on the ballroom for your reception. I'm the best MOH. You owe me bitch
Have you ever tried to have sex with a fairy? My penis is literally bigger than her.
It's not my fault I make her feel like a Taylor Swift album
You went into my bathroom put on my bathrobe.. Said excuse me then went in my front yard and started yelling who ate my whopper..
Lately I've been very attracted to Kevin Jonas because he's like...less hot than Joe, but he's this healthy mix of both Joe and Nick. It looks like he's finally growing into himself.
Randomize
