I told her it just looked small because my balls were gigantic. She bought it.
my penis says it needs to be in something. my phonebook says its you
i went to throw her on my bed and threw her straight in to my bike
At one point in time, he cried and said I didn't appreciate him.
i get drunk faster, i spend less money on food, and i'm losing a shit ton of weight. depression and its pills are doing wonders for me
I feel like we shud celebrate your sisters homecoming by having sex in her room
I hate that you live in a gated community. I feel your guard judges me every time I go to your house at 3 am an leave at 5am
And now I have fucked a local celebrity so double free drinks at bars.
Dedication to a hook up: I had to recruit five people at the train station to help me buy a ticket from a kiosk and get on the right train in 15 minutes because I discovered that my car was stolen.
You really could become the cat lady we've always dreamed of.
She complimented my boobs and then told me I smelled like teddy bears before falling asleep on the floor.
I'm just checking to make sure you don't want to go to the farmers market... This is an assumption based on the fact that you were slapped with a sandwich last night and you remained unconscious.
Woke up in bushes at UT didn't know I was Austin last night
I'm spending my Sunday wishing the entire Patriots offense would let me touch their manhood
Well the grass always *looks* greener on the other side but sometimes that’s bc there’s a sewage runoff...
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