my vag is so smooth its legendary
saw him outside... he got fatter, i got blonder. the winner is obvious.
So I'm pretty sure I fucked the dept of homeland security guy on my kitchen table. No recollection of it, but there are signs.
Thank GOD those kids were having a lemonade stand, I didn't have anything to wash down my plan b with.
in the event i get tipsy, my nipples are your responsibility
There was a reason that "Throat Warrior 2011" was written on my martini glass. He said my title was undisputed.
Im drinking in homer but I guess Egan got arrestest on an "assault by water ballon" charge but tom actually threw the water balloon in question at the bartender.
I asked him to sing a song so he couldn't hear me throwing up as he was holding my hair
Hey I consider Sunday's trip to the ER a success. You're alive and now you know for sure you're not pregnant. I got my highest ever Tetris score. Wins all around.
So vagazzling was a success
I once took a shot of lighter fluid.. That's not a secret just a fucked up story
I remember being like "I can't hold both of you guy's hair back!" so I put headbands on each of you
I just had sex with the kid I walked next to at my first holy communion
It's not christmas until we're acting sober in front of grandma
I apparently sent an offer letter to, and then subsequently onboarded, the wrong candidate. How's your Monday?
Randomize
