I told them you could toss a salad like wolfgang puck
Your one and only job is to make sure I am on that bus tomorrow morning with no cat makeup on my face
they just named my boobs. Lefty is "Guenevere" and Righty is "I claim this boob for America"
how was ur day?
this is strictly sexting don't make small talk.
We're about to have a bottle rocket fight on jetskis. You have 5 minutes to get on our level.
He motorboated me, gave me a business card that said congratulations on my motorboat, then disappeared into the night.
Find him and marry him.
Judge me all you want, but while you are stuck at home eating Ramen and tap water, I will be dining with some guy who, although might be the same age as my father, is filthy rich.
I was going through my mom's stuff to find her xanax, and I found her vibrators instead. Plural. That is like the opposite of what I wanted.
I thought it was pretty weird, but after the marinating loins thing, i figured i'd roll with it.
Not gonna lie: had to look up how to spell fellatio. Not sure I spelled it right even now. Looks like a Shakespearean character. ENTER FELLATIO, SOLILOQUIZING.
I butt dialed her mom while cheating on her. Needless to say Christmas will be awkward.
I continue to impress myself. Also I'm probably pregnant
Wow I really just sharted up in this Kroger
Thanks for making me a drunk burrito last night and cutting it into bite size pieces, I always knew you were a keeper.
day drinking didnt prepare me for this..
Randomize
