i havee beer in my backseat and a glow in the dark condom in my cleaveage.
you're going for the gold here.
i hope you realize that ur overconfidence only gave me one orgasm out of all the times we had sex. that's like a 1% success rate. u might wanna rethink how amazing you are.
Any girl that compares her vag to a hot ham sandwich is beyond a slut
I have a running excel spreadsheet detailing the number of shots in a night and subsequent ability to masturbate
I have way too much money in my bra to be responsible.
I love how kegs are figured into our monthly bills
That's terrible. At least give it a creative name like muff mobile.
Def regretting not writing "will blow for extra credit" on my last final
I am self-sufficient. I puked in a wine glass and emptied it in the trash. Points for style and neatness
and a jello shot exploded in my bra last night. Now I have blueberry smurfette boobs. Awesome.
I seriously think the toilet is the cleanest thing in their house. At least if I have to worry its not about that.
I just want my birth control to stop making me feel like I'm watching baby seals get clubbed to death any time anything even remotely unpleasant happens lol
I need a new best friend. Someone who drinks like a fish, hooks up enough to raise eyebrows, and isn't afraid to admit that masturbation is the second best way to spend time. Someone like me! Help me put up posters.
My son's girlfriend just thanked me for having good penis genes.
I love how we can bond over the fact that we're the only ones who think the guy I drunk hooked up with looks like Voldemort
Randomize
