I don't smoke a lot but now and then I do. Weed and I are like still standing naked in a bathroom together deciding if we should blow one another or bolt for the exit. An awkward relationship.
i just told my mom tuesday boozeday rhymes so that she can remember not to text or call me on wednesday mornings
youre going to kill that woman one of these days
oh my god. i just found my camera... on top of the bush outside of my house. never let me drink everclear again
No I'm done finals, but I'm not coming home until these hickeys are gone.
Remind me tomorrow that I was taking shots of burnetts in the subway line while placing my order
I have reverted to folding laundry while watching porn. how much sadder can my life get?
The universe is cradling this hangover like a gay couple cradles their newly adopted chinese baby.
I woke up this morning with a pop tart under my pillow with one bite eaten. Another pop tart was in the floor. No recollection whatsoever. I ate the one under my pillow for breakfast, though.
Hit on in the middle of a Wal-Mart McDonald's by a really awkward nerd. There is not enough nope in the world.
He called me twice and texted me at 3am. Guess absence makes the dick grow harder.
I feel like you're gonna be reading this at 6 AM in a ditch or under a bridge, but please remember...I offered to drive you home. And you said no.
The sad thing is that it's 6:45 and you're not far off.
We can't stop being roommates, you do such a good job of holding my hair back when I puke. I don't wanna buy hair elastics.
It's official. Post baseball sex is better than post hockey sex. I hope the Blue Jays win the world series.
I just woke up drenched in beer, in a puddle of beer, and cuddling a bottle of tequila
I accidentally brought up how there used to be a big tree in his yard, which I could only have known if I had been Google mapping his house.
Randomize
