I attract so much trash. The guy that is engaged and kissed me is here so is his fiancé. I feel likeshw knows and will cut me in the bathroom might happen. If I'm not at the pool tomorrow she has blonde hair and is really flat.
tequila makes her clothes fall off
wow Mom, sounds like youre having a good time
never thought i'd see a ''climb of shame'' until she came down from the attic in front of the whole party..
mom just texted me "hawaii ambien". those are like the two things she talks about to keep me interested in spending time with her.
You are the sheppard guiding my vagina away from horrible decisions.
Bartending School is so much more enjoyable now that I realized I was in rehab at this time last year.
The dingo escaped by eating a hole through my screen door. It's loose in the city somewhere.
FYI, your girlfriend is on her way to the ER. She tried to balance a bottle of jack on her chest. Smashed toes, blood all over patio. Call her, kinda funny though.
I keep having to have that awkward "I don't want to have sex with you" convo. I thought wearing sweatpants was suppose to prevent this situation..
Oh my god. I just RAN OVER a child. Oh my god this isnt my day. That kid was cool as fuck though
Reasons why I love cats more than people: 1. They're not fucking people.
So you let the Viking explore your nether regions?
After we finished having phone sex he proceeded to serenade me with Ave Maria. It was magical.
I'm eating shredded cheese and chugging coke, until I can function again. I'm tingling everywhere
From now on he's gonna have to shave first. It feels like I got eaten out by a chainsaw!
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