As my groomsman, I expect you to learn the Thriller dance with me before next September.
he told me he had a problem with me going both ways. like what the fuck. what guy says that to a girl? goodbye planned threesomes...
There's a hand-carved wooden bong in my backpack, and i really wish i could remember last night now.
My one night stand found me at the library and randomly gave me plan B. He was scared I was going to get pregnant because he has a very high sperm count.
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i knew it was time to leave the bar when i caught myself doing karate dance moves with a married man.
be ready to rage tomorrow. like naked ranch dressing rage
Are you alive?
I googled "I don't want to vomit anymore," and "how to rip out your uvula," at 9 am this morning, but I'm still here. Uvula and all.
I remember it because it was right after the sadness and right before the sluttiness. The calm before the storm if you will
I was woken up at 6 am by a second grader trying to give me a sweatshirt for a pillow
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i puked in the 2nd best shower and the couple fucking in the 1st didnt even pause so you might wanna hold off on that for a while
Is it weird that the girl I'm fucking just wished me luck on my date tonight?
One minute I'm going home the next I'm getting railed on the back 9.
Mike's not allowed to drink vodka anymore. He couldn't get his temporary tattoos (stickers) to stick so he super glued them on.
IF THE SUNS NOT EVEN OUT THEN WHY IS HIS DICK OUT WTF
I just found out through a drunken phone call that my parents thought I'd grow up to be a porn star. It's kind of scary how accurate they were at how skilled I'd be at sex.
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