I accidentally broke up with him while I was drunk which is really too bad since I'd just gotten a birth control perscription so we could start having sex.
Do you think he'd take me back if I said "dude, we need to get back together or this IUD is going to have an existential crisis for not realizing its full potential"?
your philanthropy is ruining my sex life.
Omg you had literally better be on fire, drowning, and being crucified all at the same time to be calling me at 7:30 in the goddamn morning.
Just bought a 17 year old 40's while wearing a poncho. This behavior is acceptable until I'm 25.
You were in subway at 3am showing everyone your tan lines
I have a feeling she doesn't appreciate me as a person. She only fucks me because I look like Harry Potter.
Where the royal fuck are you??
The depths of vodka hell.
She said she'll drive over, bang, and then head home. It's like ordering a pizza.
Sorry bud. Having a shitty day because the GF broke up with my wife and I. We really liked her too
In the last six hours i have procured a free sandwich, watched three movies, and came to orgasm. If that isn't productivity then i don't know what is.
He came over apologized for his lack of sexual skills. Cleaned my kitchen cooked me dinner. And gave me another one minute stand. I think im okay with this
While randomly hooking up with my neighbor last night he says "it's okay we're neighbors".
Wanna get drunk and play candy land? If so you are 2 steps behind.
You know. You being in a happy healthy relationship is REALLLYY cutting into our drinking alone together time.
My boss is explaining why he thinks time goes by faster and faster. Bc of the rockets. No lie.
Randomize
