he told me not be awkward when his girlfriend comes tomorrow. and then he made out with me
The reason halloween exists is because it's not cheating if you're wearing a costume.
I can't believe I just compared my penis to a St. Bernard.
I knew it was going to be a good night when i heard another girl call his dick "Thor's Hammer"
Ita all starting to make sense i need vodka like i need air
You said my dick was impressive. You thank someone when they say that. My momma raised a gentleman.
It's that thing where you don't have any food so you just drink beer to get your needed calories for the day.
The cab driver gave me a church card yesterday and said I should reconnect with god.
Then he gave me 2 tickets to a movie he's going to be in
You shut your whore mouth, we don't talk about Drunk Nutella night.
Tonight I plan on passing out fully clothed on the table. I don't know where normal people plan on sleeping.
Acid king. Jackson puked a lot. Promoter booth. Angry security. No acid. Probably a good thing.
I just crop dusted the hot FedEx guy delivering my business cards...then asked him "Was that you?" How the fuck am I allowed to be an adult?
Bro, it was an EPIC night once again last night. I’m so sorry that you saw me naked.
ah lol cocaine is strange when I dose I feel like an elephant running through a grocery store
ARE YOU DEAD? TEXT Y FOR YES OR N FOR NO.
Randomize
