Will you blow on my dice?
Ummmm the art teacher neighbor asked me to pose nude for her art class for cash.
Apparently I did my philosophy paper last night. It's not bad either.
He was streaking. We were hammered. We had roman candles. It only made sense to shoot them at him.
Sober December ended when I found beer behind my bed...I lost $2000 but spent 6 hours sober. Meet me at the bar?
You spent most of the night crying and throwing leftover meatballs at the neighbors dogs
Whatever, the fact of the matter is that I saved you from poorly planned outdoor sex by doing a rain dance and you should totally thank me.
When you consider the sheer number of events that had to occur in order to prevent me from fucking her, there must be a god
Curse you and your alcoholic milkshakes.
You're welcome.
Just managed to stab myself in the ass with a fork. I feel that as my best friend, I'm obligated by friend code to inform you of that sort of thing.
I told her I was going to sleep early last night. I probably should not have sent that snapchat of us playing beer pong.
I don't care who you bring as long as they are fun and not a cop
My mom and sister were over. When my drunk roommate came home, he yelled "GOT BITCHES IN MY CONDO"
I woke up naked and you weren't here. What a relief.
Well when you come back we can have a huge bitch fit...or get really drunk....whichever comes first
Randomize
