if your leaving for the weekend then im farting on your pillow
Wow, this guy is harder to get rid of than gum in pubic hair
They need to add a relationship status option on fb that says "having the baby of..."
She's never had brie before last night, don't know if I can date a girl that doesn't like soft cheeses.
I bought canned wine on a clearance aisle at the liquor store... I feel like I'm living in an episode of It's Always Sunny.
you realize that if you hadn't mouthed "we're getting laid tonight", i wouldn't have woken up with your ex this morning. just sayin
then she said she was half-a-virgin and that she would appreciate it if i would finish what her old booty call started
Either call me back or tell me you're in jail. For fucks sake. If this is a cop, just help out. national league.
The cops knocked on our door just to ask us if we were really having a no-pants party.
Finals are done.. I just wanna get drunk and pretend I'm a seahorse.
Pierced my own nipple last night, and yes everyone did go absolutely nuts
I have the best idea for a new business. It's going to be called "Lamb-Scape". We are going to cut lawns using lambs. You just put 5 or 6 on a lawn and they eat the grass #allnatural
YOU SAID YOU WERE OUT OF POT
..........
When he opened the car door the whole thing fell off. Even that can be forgiven via his monster cock.
He should just accept that I want his dick and his friendship. Can't he understand that I don't do emotions?
My boyfriend just called me on his poop break from work.... Is that what you meant by moving too fast?
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