hitting rock bottom=girl fakes converting to christianity in order to get out of having sex with you.
Her vagina turned into a vuvuzela. I didn't know it was a possible to have a wet nightmare.
he thanks me after handjobs.
you found the perfect man.
Why is the garage door in the middle of the street?
I'm not sure which one did it but one of them fucked the kink out of my neck
Dude I really need to stop drinking. I chugged a whole bottle of ketchup last night.
A man and his most likely hooker just bought us Taco Bell.
I try new drugs instead of new boys. That way you can't scold me about the importance of condoms
I'm literally taking a shit naked holding a bottle of wine.
apparently when a guy says "if there's anything missing in your life, I will provide" he's not expecting attractive lesbians to be the answer.
That was the night I passed out and someone threw chicken at me. SORRY I wasn't available to cockblock you from that Hispanic dude.
My husband gave me a key to his house. I thinks this means we're getting kinda serious.
I'm good. Got my nipples pierced and threw my back out. 🙌
Just calling to thank you for not dying. I love you.
In the words of Disney’s Jafar, “desperate times call for desperate measures.”
Randomize
