My key broke off while I was turning the key. I can't pull the broken key out. Not only am i locked outside, so is the rest of the building.
My boss just told me $1,000 at a six hour event wouldn't be worth her time. She makes $70k a yr. and apparently never learned multiplication.
She smells like mac and cheese, right after you add the cheese. It's strangely erotic.
Also, I once came to the conclusion after this one boy, that her pleasure condoms are a college boys version of flowers
On the bright side I got 500 American Express points paying for the abortion
Upside of a two-day migraine: thanks to a prominent "E" in the middle of every pill, I think we can totally pass off Excedrine Migraine as ecstasy to stupid, drunk freshman. This is totally going to happen. That entrepreneurship course is paying off.
Just got escorted to my 7:45 class by an old woman because I was too hungover to not realize I was four floors too high.
I think the old lady next to me at the bar just saw your pussy
Our house rule in beer pong, is that if you get the ball in the bitch cup.... you have to snapchat your balls to everyone on your friends list.
I asked her if she could eat some Doritos so when we made out it would taste awesome
HELP! I GOT DRUNK IN THE LIVING ROOM AND CANT GET UP UPSTAIRS
How do you get the "hangs out with drunk assholes" insurance
My boobs are hoarders, they steal food and hide it. Greedy bitches.
I have 2 voicemails from u last night. one of them is just 5 min of u saying "doodling"...
Just rode a bull topless for a free bar tap for a month
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