My mom gets in bar fights. She doesn't go to bed early.
I was looking through my facebook friends list to see how many ppl on the list i've hooked up with, and was effectively reminded of my failed friendships, relationships, fuck budy-ships, friends with benefits, and "i cant remember if i ever did shit with him but we're awkward now" ships.
I'm going to write a book about John. It's going to be called big dreams, little dick
did i by any chance text you anything about feathers last night?
you mean faeutihaers?
He went down on me in his escalade and his dick is bigger than my forearm. I'm never going back to white guys.
Please don't die.. At a gay bar... On a Wednesday. Obituaries are not allowed to be that entertaining.
I feel like he knows I had a dream about him eating me out in the janitors closet at the holiday party. He's giving me THAT look.
We defiantly won best dressed in the ER tonight
its not you its me. and by that i mean i am more interested in having random one night stands with random hot girls then having the same normal sex with u.
Unlike bears, this weekend is not the #1 threat to America. It is, however, the #1 threat to my liver
Unless you can blow me and bake me a pie at the same time, im not impressed.
Please come over here so I can show off my beard, talk to you about how quantum computing is actually a symptom of interstellar physics, and then put my head under your dress
He told me that he wants to fuck me only wearing a princess tiara...How could I possibly say no to that?
There is no way entering a gas station bathroom memorializing an alien abduction in rural New Hampshire is a good idea.
I bet he’d be surprised by the epic blow job he’d get if he stopped talking about his wife long enough for me to get in the mood
Randomize
