I feel like Captain Hook just gave me a pap smear.
when your hometown is famous for abortion clinic bombings, hurricanes, and jude law's newest bastard, its probably time to move.
you left with a lisa lampanelli lookalike... i hope she was atleast funny
Can you get arrested or in trouble for punching a dead relative in a casket?
i caught the condom in my mouth.. dont ask me how
as I was walking out the door her and her roommate started singing "toot it and boot it".. I'm in love
And the horses in Central Park have blankets. And Rafiki just told me "it is time" in the back of our cab.
Our house almost burnt down last night. I woke up at 4:10am to the smoke alarm going off bc the bean bag chair was on fire so i extinguished it and smoked a bowl at 4:20 to celebrate my fire extinguishing abilities
Finally buying a camera. Missed out on recording a 3way last night. Hindsight. Ugh.
We should go, because after those margaritas time is running out on my sobriety clock.
I'm naked, I'm drunk, and I'm all up on social media right now
I heard drunk is the new sober. I heard me say that. To a cop. Can you come get me??
I think it's important to not involve Bar Food in any near future decisions.
You're incredible, and I'm drunk
Just do what I do and listen to your vagina. She’ll growl when she smells good dick
Randomize
