I didn't shave. On purpose
I'm dying. Please wear something slutty to my funeral.
Threesomes are so awesome. You even have company on your walk of shame :)
Banging bitches in a bar bathroom is not legit as it was in college, there are no fistpumps afterward only shame
Mom got me cough medicine that tastes like tequila . She said she took taste tests. Best mom ever.
How did a couple beers and monopoly turn into a bottle of vodka and throwing eggs at eachother in the kitchen?
She tried to ditch the cab before she payed but she forgot to grab her shoes and wake me up
Wow. A quad shot of peppermint schnapps. I feel like I just deep throated a candy cane. Best 21st ever.
YOU GOT KINKY WEIRD ICE CREAM HEAD ON FRIDAY DONT EVEN COMPLAIN.
If man night ends at some point, hit me up and let me prove my vagina still exists.
That birthday blow job you ordered came in the mail today. I suggest you hurry home.
You don't want any of I have. Seriously. Its 80 proof rum that was 8 bucks for a liter. I'm afraid
I'm sure your liver is writing out a will as we speak
Ooo, yeah! Thanksgiving will be a blast. Can't fuckin wait for the next round of "have you found a nice young man yet?" Followed by a lovely helping of "don't worry, there's someone out there for you."
Free stuff before I even put his balls in my mouth like wow great start
You know you've hit a new slutty low when you're simultaneously sexting and having a tea party with a 4 year old
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