dude i just made a burrito by wrapping 2 packs of scooby snacks with a fruit roll up. im so high
She has 260 profile pics. In 260 she's ugly and in 255, she's making the peace sign with her hands...
I'm also annoyed at my horoscope for not warning me of my perils
I mean, I don't even call it a hangover anymore. It's just morning.
Half of elefante. Gelafin galaxy
Please tell me your aunt didn't see the Brita pitcher full of condom wrappers. We had at least 100.
I always "accidentally" drop a condom and make sure she sees it's a magnum. By the time I'm inside her and she realizes how small I am, it's all over in a flash and I'm done. Plus, they never call back so I never have to see the girl ever again. #gratefulforprematuretinypenis
I didn't want to but I was drunk in a Disney bathroom with her and had a weak moment.
sometimes a perk of being a drug dealer is amazon gift cards. who knew?
According to my snapchat story, I tore a fake wig off a security guard and ran away with it.
You just managed to turn Dr. Seuss into a sext. I really like you now.
I just need to get a little drunker before I realize I'm not straight
I will 100% jerk off using my own tears as lube before I'd ever bang a 4.
I’m sorry I got high and yelled about the patriarchy.
Do you think Ashley had her twin sister tag in for our date? The sex was different and I think a mole was missing
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