You remember those guys we called the police on after they stole our keg? Turns out one of them is a student instructor in one of my classes. Figuring out how best to use this information.
i think if i got caught drinking at work i could get away with it if i started crying and saying my cat just died. as long as i'm confident.
Just found a peacock feather in my car. Should I be the least bit concerned about this?
She pulled a wad of lint out of my bellybutton while she was blowing me. Said she's never seen anything like it. I've never gone soft so fast.
I got to explain to the guys at work today how i had no choice but to go to a gay bar because I was handcuffed to a lesbian.
Why does every bad decision I make wind up having 1000 likes on YouTube?
Boob shaped ice luge is ordered for my bday. Boom
I can't even drink.
The liquor comes out the nipples. Out. The. Nipples.
You asked me to text you at 11 and remind you that he's 33. It's 11:20. He's 33.
you're too late. he has eggnog and whiskey and all seven seasons of buffy. I shan't be coming home tonight
trying to figure out what happened last night by looking around the apartment.
naked man under the piano. THE PLOT THICKENS.
is buying liquor on my lunch break too aggressive?
After walking ten blocks barefoot in Boston I've concluded drunk me needs to make better decisions.
Dude I am a waste of space, I just febreezed myself so I could go out and get lunch
Well the hawks lost... so, of course, the only logical course of action was a bonfire in the middle of the street.
Just stole my moms weed, left a note saying sorry.. Hope she isn't mad.
I'm laying backwards. On the stairs. Eating carrots. And drinking from a captain Morgan bottle.
Randomize
