he got his own cum in his own eye. TWICE. how do you make that mistake again?
Turns out Woolite can get the cum stains out of her moms couch.
the recent google searches were "were can i buy a porn horse, why does my heart hurt after drinking, and orlando's teen night..." your thought process perplexes me
We're past the whole "Did she just try to finger my ass?" Stage. Now it's encouraged.
We are lost and the only things we have are peanut brittle, cookies and vodka. I think we'll make it.
Every time I get scared about the fact that I'm falling for him I remember that he juggles and is hung like a mastadon and everything is a-ok.
gladiator or hannah montana?
This is why I never have to ask who you are when I get a new phone.
I want to see boobs tonight. Like, real ones. Your ones.
I'm romantic.
No later than 4:00 ok - I'm tying my viagra high into a superbowl halftime showstopper. Ya, you might wanna look away for that
I was at a hookups house and peed in his sink so I wouldn't wake up his mom... drunk me is on a different level
All right well I’m making her sugar cookies and sleeping with her husband tonight. Just another manic Monday
I'm very disappointed that your kitten almost ate my weed cake...
Just had an emotional break through with the dog. That high.
Guy peeing and puking at the same time in the women's restroom? So impressed that I can't be offended
He has to be employed and covid free. That’s my standard. I can’t be picky. 2020 has killed my sex life.
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