It never fails.. every time I have a dick in my mouth he calls me.
What a whore. She reminds me of that asian guy who can eat all the hotdogs.
He was sitting at the table eating ice and said, "I'm pretty sure everyone in my family has nipples."
I know its hard to believe that I'm already drunk at 12 p.m. but I am, so dont call me asking to go to the gym.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
There were midgets. And vodka. If you don't appreciate the awesomeness of that sentence, read it again.
I'm at the perfect height to walk up to the corner of my mom's stove and rest my balls on it. Just thought you'd like to know they're warm.
Well for starters the people who just made my burger at the grab and go just told me to "hang in there"
Wow I didn't even consider the possibility of him having ED. I'm gaining so many life experiences from dating an older man
Just asked my roommate if she needs one of my old pill bottles to hold her weed during our move tomorrow. What has grad school done to me?
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I can't believe i just offerred a guy a burrito and head, and got turned down. Officially celibate now.
she came into my car to rip lines with our blow dealer as I was writing my essay on anti drug policy, i call it on site research
he just sent me a dick pic, it highly resembled a cheese stick
Whoever was doing lines off my iPad is a dick. Also bring Gatorade, for I hunger
For Who flesh?
Dude, my vagina feels like new again! I love antibiotics. How's your day?
All I need is to get out and get laid
Yeah mom sounds like a good idea! Now send that message to the person it was ment for
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