you took out flashcards at the bar and went around asking guys what totalitarianism meant.
i convinced her i was a yoga teacher by showing her some warm-ups my high school track coach made up
i chugged some hot sauce before i gave him head. i think a burning penis is a great way to say fuck you
Woke up next to a half eaten California burrito. It was tucked in.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
So after I was tied with a feather boa he left me there with KFC and cherry coke
You know what's soul crushing? Walking to subway and find out you were too drunk to put on shoes and being denied service.
Um. I literally have no words.
It's my first ever "i'm sorry for my excessive drug use" hand turkey. And I think it's pretty boss.
Bud light lime after 12 shots of vladdy is like frolickin in a meadow of sweet flavor
I should've been more social I guess. I feel bad not meeting the people who willingly sucked alcohol out of my navel...
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
We had him convinced Visine is flammable. He was genuinely freaked out that everyone would know when he was stoned.
Looks like I've become the Walter White of my PhD cohort.
I really feel like I should slow down on the getting hammered. I told a bartender on "Taco Tuesday" that a $3 margarita was too expensive. And proceeded to have a $70 tab.
Can I just buy you sex toys as a wedding gift? Bc I’m here for that and you
Wanna go on a picnic?
... by picnic I mean wanna sit on a blanket and drink with me?
You're even getting laid in my dreams, god I'm a good wingman
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