I just got three quarters of the way there before I realized I was way too stoned for class so I bought a smoothie and walked home.
Midgets have it so easy. They have so much less leg area to shave.
he just booty called me in advance instead of waiting til 3 am when hes trashed. i think thats really considerate and gentlemanlike.
Security brought me back to our hotel room in a wheelchair last night. Vegas.
And if you ever tell anyone that I will fucking kill you.
He passed out on the floor and you kept hitting him in the dick and screaming "hammer of justice".
i chugged some hot sauce before i gave him head. i think a burning penis is a great way to say fuck you
she left around the point i tried to tie her hair around my dick
The maintenance guy asked for a box to stand on to reach the ceiling. All I could offer him was a keg.
If he tries to stick his thumb up my butt again im going to rip his dick off with my vagina
I told you those kegels would come in handy one day
Tell me about it I woke up on your couch with only my underwear on and a 26 year old wrapped around me. I thought my thirties would be different.
He just sent me the contact information about getting the Zebra for graduation...
Glitter fights sound a lot funner in theory.
So there is a 50% chance that he just left my house and a 100% chance that I have to be up for work in 2 hours...
Throwing up while listening to NPR because I’m trying to adult through this hangover
Come over.
Look lady I can't have sex with you EVERY day. I have things to do.
Randomize
