she'd have to be at LEAST a cup size bigger for me to even consider putting up with her voice
i stopped calling them hangovers and started calling mornings a long time ago.
Pregnancy confirmed. Complete emotional instability achieved. I just cried through 95% of Avatar.
I need a $60 an hour job, because I have a $50 an hour drinking habit.
theres a turtle on the table. helping me eat my ramon noodles.
The only reason we got away with streaking last time was cuz we had those miner hats
I just got a reminder alert on my phone for an event I titled "Bradley getting stupid high with me in bed." I assume we planned this during the party. I'm down if you are.
Please ignore everything I told you about my girlfriends vagina last night.
I can't bring an entire liter in the bar in my purse. I mean I can. I might. I'm probably gonna.
I may, or may not have licked his face in an Applebee's.
and if planning a fake elopement keeps me from fucking strangers and doing drugs, i think it's good for me
Dude, get out of Andrea's vagina and call me back
nothing says "fuck you jocks from high school my life is better than yours" like bringing 5 grand in 20s to the bar
She's cool and all but if she eats my food again I'm gonna fucking drop kick her ass. No one touches my lunchables. NO ONE.
In other news, I just threw up my burrito and am currently on all fours literally crawling back to my bed
Randomize
