I just masturbated at work. Does that make me a prostitute since i just technically got paid to have sex?
just witnessed some guy trade his friend $5 and a condom for his keys.
The girl with a dislocated arm just did an assisted keg stand. You will never have an excuse again.
You better wipe the dick of your lips before you come smoke this blunt.
Dude she gave you head while I was in the closet, we've passed the "awkward" phase.
In the bath trying to absorb water through my skin because I can't drink it.. That hungover
Unintentional and slightly frustrating adventures are basically all I'm good for. Expect heart palpitations, cheap food, and homeless men serenading us.
I just picked up my phone and one shoe from the man mowing the lawn next to the ice rink. He found them in a tree.
Netflix keeps asking me if I'm still watching just because I've been sitting here all afternoon...why do I feel like my tv is judging my life choices?
I found out my butt plug has a metal core at the airport security checkpoint...
You know you threw a brownie at my head last night. And said you did it to defend the turtles honer....
You are ridiculously similar to a unicorn, and I want to fuck that unicorn.
His abs are so defined he looks like a human xylophone.
You can't go around chasing people and screaming JUST LET ME LOVE YOU. We're in a public place.
There is a dude with blue hair and a samurai sword and another dude dressed as Dead Pool. I daresay standard social conventions are not applicable in this environment.
You know he wants it bad when he starts going door to door for condoms.
Randomize
