i just woke up in a strange room and the first thing i saw was a chewbacca mask... wtf
So I got my period. Finally. In related news, I reinstated my belief in God.
you don't know how close you are to someone till they ask you to shave their ass.
we've progressed from teabagging to lighting eachothers asses on fire. this cannot be a good path.
I finally beat you i just fucked my professor last night!!!\n\n
sry, psychiatrist trumps professor
Dude your neighbors are having a garage sale. They were judging me as I walk of shamed back to my car.
I'm in the Wal Mart stall where we found out you weren't pregnant. This is where I'm going to propose to you. I feel like that would be the most romantic
So i realized that if i bought everything from my google search history for the past week i would have a dolphin, a wolf costume, a unicorn costume, a katana and a bullet proof vest. Not sure how the dolphin would fit in but the rest of it would end up in one awesome night or someone would die. Either way i say we do it.
Just re-gained consciousness in the freshman girls dorm. Normally this would be awesome but I'm on the floor surrounded by chicks doing their homework. This makes me uncomfortable but I don't think they know I'm awake yet. If I b-line for the door can you come get me?
When you are old and getting humped by saggy balls every other weekend you are gonna wish you had more sex with freshly legal boys. Your vagina will thank you one day. Don't let her down.
If throwing a bottle across the bar, hitting a skank in the head and not getting caught was an Olympic event, you'd bring merica the gold every time
Yeah we invited her back for chicken nugget sandwiches
How was your day?
Peaceful. I left the house to get paid and get fried chicken.
I feel like I'm in a astronaut outfit like I'm a spaceman & I'm just floating around cause that's all you do in space is float and I'm floating to be in detail
Houston we have a problem
New strategy for telling if someone is drunk: will they attempt to drink a candle if you put a straw in it?
Randomize
