we didnt fuck last night. again. seriously, his place is like where dreams go to die.
I sharted in my sleep... I didnt even think that was possible.
Dear drunk me, don't shave my balls til you're sober. My junk looks like a pomeranian with mange.
I was batman and I saved her. Then we had sex on a rooftop.
My first sex dream, I blew myself. Yours definitely wins.
She broke up with him yesterday after she cheated on him. He's going a bachelor party next weekend. How has Homeland Security not raised the threat level?
Unless you're gonna start buying my underwear, you have got to stop ripping it off of me.
You work today? I woke up with a raging boner that was whispering your name
So I got lost trying to find you guys and ended up proposing to a bride in a bachelorette party with a condom.
This means I've slept with 2 ppl that live in vans...my life is complete
I washed my sheets. I did out of respect for my previous and current sexual partners.
I don't know where I keep finding these guys, but mi power bottoms es su power bottoms.
All my female reproductive organs were screaming HELL YES last night.
I passed out drunk in her bed. Her boyfriend showed up and told me to go to the other room or we were gonna have a threesome. I threw up off the side of her bed and left. I feel like that was an adequate response.
I've never been so drunk at home. I just sat on the toilet playing with toilet paper for ten minutes, I almost made a paper crane.
Heard flapping noises behind me. It was my roommate flapping her bathrobe like wings, saying "I'm a faaaiiiiry."
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