I just saw a man vacuming his front lawn. What is this world coming to?
Last night when I was hammered I set a reminder to tell you that your boobs are my favorite ones in the world, so this is me giving you that message.
You were running around with scissors offering people free haircuts.
I like that most of our conversations somehow end in us having sex for the good of our country
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
you figure out which one you wanna sleep with, & I'll sleep with the other one. problem solved
No more tipping the bathroom attendant with your phone.
I drunkenly asked a stripper to join our volleyball team.
I woke up in your car in the McDonalds parking lot. What the hell happened to 'no man left behind'?
Also I just learned you, Samantha, and I three-way made out at my Halloween party. News to me.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
If there's one thing I learned yesterday, it's that if I really wanted to I could be mayor of Toronto.
I wore his All-American medal during sex. I came in first that night.
But really, someone with a penis give me attention before I start posting nudes on Instagram.
That makes sense.. A good Bj is a trump card in any argument
sorry about your sharpie. alex wanted to shave the left side of his body so he had me draw a line over him with a ruler
I just passed a lady driving with a cat in a sweater sitting on her lap with its paws on the steering wheel
Only you....
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