Worst part was I had to fart super bad and didn't want to ruin the room so I farted in a pillow and threw it under the bed.
on the way to work, i saw an empty wine bottle sitting in the middle of an intersection. i thought of you.
i can respect that.
So I'm seriously debating forwarding these sexts to his horse faced new gf including the ones that say he still loves me... but I still need his check to clear... decisions decisions
how many past hook-ups can i invite to go bar hopping with me for my b-day before it becomes a bad idea?
Out of beer. Salsa pong. Never again.
On my way to the DMV to get arrested
I'm just walking around Lowe's groping the carpets....
You're 34. You can't make guys wait till the third date anymore. Step it up!
Yeah, I'm just gonna try to repress that and remember him for his big dick and perfect jawline.
He texts me "just to say hi" and then tells me how hard he is and sends me a dick pic. And I'm like, dude, I'm ordering a burrito right now
If you could come do me into like a 12 hour coma that'd be great
Why is there a whip in the kitchen?
Sometimes I wish I could tell all my past/present hookups what the nicknames that my friends and I have assigned them.
It was a successful conference for my sales and my sex life. Those are probably related
He really is. Owns his own house and has more than one towel!
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