cynthia nixon should never get laid more than me
if i dont get laid while im dressed as Tim Tebow, i'm just staying true to the costume.
Hey guess what I got for Valentine's day? Debt and blue balls.
My booty call just put me down for a reference for her job at the hospital. What am I supposed to say? She gives great bj's?
I was cracked out naked on a toilet pretending I was posing for playboy.. Shit got weird, but apparently I had a good bday.
Did you really lure me out of the bar with a blond holding a dunkin donuts bag? Well played sir, well played.
Only I could host a baby shower where the cops get called.
Last night you said you were going to stop drinking and then proceeded to dip cookies in your vodka.
Sadly that explains a lot.
I'm having post-experience "why didn't I fuck her in a public bathroom" regrets
My vagina has a mind if its own. Can you imagine if I didnt have you to run her ideas through.
Who knew I could feel anymore shameful at the bar than i usually do...I think my bartender recognizes me from the walk of shame out of his house after i hooked up with his son yesterday
Just remember, it's never too late to make a porno
I mean, if you want to light yourself on fire for maximum accuracy, far be it from me to stop you
I will be DAMNED if anyone but me breastfeeds my cat.
Of course he’s dumb. He’s got a 9 inch dick! There’s not enough blood in his body for a big dick and a big brain. It’s science
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