I accidentally broke up with him while I was drunk which is really too bad since I'd just gotten a birth control perscription so we could start having sex.
Do you think he'd take me back if I said "dude, we need to get back together or this IUD is going to have an existential crisis for not realizing its full potential"?
He just screamed at her, "if you pass out i am still having sex with you!!!" In front of the entire party.
Now that I'm the boss, there's nobody to yell at me for smelling like a bar in the morning.
i wish that i had sketchier friends so that it would be easier to get drugs
I want you to know that after i type the word "your" vagina is next on my predictive tex
Yes, you did come over last night. You also tried to give my dog a blowjob. You got rejected.
Fat lady wearing Shape Up's. I would feel bad making crude comments, but she has to know it's coming.
They thought I was the paid stripper pretty much, and a lady tried to set me up with her nephew and then wanted to get my number for lesbian daughter... A typical night for me
She literally called herself a shamefully bad decision. Of course I slept with her. Best bad decision ever
Aw don't be embarrassed. It was all good fun! We've all been there. You can't come to vegas and NOT get a little alcohol poisoning. That's like going to church and not praying.
I just slapped myself in the face with my dildo and I know that's a weird thing to share but I just had to tell to someone omg I'm laughing so hard
& he told me that I give the best head ever.. like can I get that on a medal?
He put rainforest music on before we had sex I felt like I was in the Amazon
What's worse having drunken sex with hot married man or breaking the diet one week in?
Changed all my ex bf's names to "no" in my phone so the next time I try to drunk text one of them it'll basically be like Russian roulette
Randomize
