Good thing I was dressed to impress in my "I went nuclear on my wings" shirt even the girls are making out and I'm still 7th wheeling it...
Also we decided you're the person whose going to die at my bachelor party...do the math you're the most logical choice
i think i had a heart attack, prayed, and jizzed my pants.all at once.
I don't think he grasps the fact that I would much rather he finish inside me than on my $400 Anthropolgie bedspread
He was using OnStar to get directions to the bar. I'm pretty sure he'd have gotten her number too if I hadn't disconnected the call.
I was high fiving everyone. I even high fived with the wall for doing such a good job suporting the ceiling and keeping us alive.
He said he wanted to make me his Twinkie, "filled with his delicious cream." ABSOLUTELY 100% NO YOU MAY NOT REPEAT ****NOT**** GIVE HIM MY NUMBER EVER EVER EVER. Please confirm receipt and full comprehension of this message.
On celebration of the Supreme Court ruling I feel it is our patriotic duty to have a threesome
Before you started puking your brains out, you took a moment to give me the correct order of the Harry potter series
What's an appropriate engagement gift for the girl that's marrying your brother's Tuesday night hookup? Cause all I can think of is vodka and Kleenex.
You just managed to turn Dr. Seuss into a sext. I really like you now.
HELL YEAH TIME TO KICK THE CHILDREN
Have you ever given your heart and soul to someone and they turn out to be nothing but a great fuck that makes a mean grilled cheese because same
Just spilled beer all over my bed. Should cut myself off, but instead I just took my shirt off and used it as a towel.
I woke up in a boat, with a life jacket on, tons of beer cans and no lake... I was inside a garage. WTF
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