I know. I almost started crying. IN WHAT UNIVERSE IS THAT A TURN ON?!
I just saw a girl on crutches doing a walk of shame. She is either super dedicated, or her night didn't go as planned.
hooked up with the gay kid & his friend's mom told me "you know he has a identical twin brother whose straight, right?"
Your whole purpose in life is to just float around and satisfy lonely women and also join lesbian couples in threesomes.
If you have shit your pants within the past two years, please take a seat.
She showed up in lingerie and a turtle backpack full of bacardi. I think its love.
It was his birthday this weekend. I had to carry him 6 blocks, in 3 inch heels. The entire time he was trying to molest me, eat my face, and try to stop every two feet to tie his shoe. He would light a cigarette, forget about it, almost burn everyone, throw it out, then decide he wanted to smoke. He kept repeating that he trusts me with his life.
...Wow...
I could be a kindergarten teacher
She needs to go. She is like the Yoko Ono of our group.
She got called into work early but she left me a note that had directions to her roommates stash of weed on top of a two bacon and egg mcmuffins. I think I win.
Sober me admires drunk me's enthusiasm, but there is no way I'm going to make it out there today.
Lol drunk you is so full ideas and happy. Sober you is full of grumpy reality.
He sent me a text from across the party that said "your sexy." I just couldn't.
I'm on the same pooping schedule as a professor I've never had. He now says what's up to me in the hallway
he's the only real guy friend I've had who I've never made out with
I drunkenly said, "That's my future father-in-law!" And everyone made an uncomfortable / disgusted face... including the aforementioined future father-in-law. Maybe I should start dating other people.
I think I gotta smoke less weed, I'm getting to lazy to fuck my girlfriend
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