new low: just stole a ciggarette from a bum sleeping on the side of the street.
ohh what kind?
Sad Moment: I only had enough $ at 711 to buy chips or salsa. I chose salsa and took a plastic spoon
Screw it. I'll show up in a white dress with a sign that says " I fucked the groom and it wasn't that great."
Fuckbuddy couldn't meet, so she's trying to find a substitute to come fuck me. Best. Fuckbuddy. Ever.
I just got turned down by a drunk fat chick. At my own birthday party. God hates me.
Yeah I had to push her down the hallway to the hotel room in a luggage carrier. The guy at the desk told me goodluck
Found your pants. They were stuffed in the tank of the toilet.
I had to put a towel over my laptop because the little power light was too bright. New hangover low.
I got punched in the face by a Cowboy last night. Then he bought me a beer cause o convinced security not to kick him out the bar. Start of a fairytale love story? I think so.
And if it ever comes down to tax or healthcare benefits we can get married
That's the sweetest thing I've ever heard
Your roommates will be treating you to many anecdotes about my intentions to have aggressive sex with you. I'm sorry in advance.
Btw, remind me to tell you about how I had to cancel my crazy wild sex plans with Will b/c my roommate came back from his trip after a day b/c Canada wouldn't let him in. Fucking cockblock.
Actually that's the whole story. You don't have to remind me.
New low: eating a buttered roll while taking a shit.
This is why we're soulmates.
I woke up with my converse still on and a plate of pasta next to my face, if that gives you any indication of how my night went
I wish drug dealers had sales for the holidays
Randomize
