go do what you do best...puke behind churches
Nothing gets me like the O.C. theme song does.
You can call me Bill Clinton. I brought 2 good looking Asians home last night.
I woke up in what appears to be a taco bell graveyard in my bed.
Last awkward moment of 2011: your ex gf grinding on me in front of her husband.
I am one Jewel song away from suicide watch
i could have been the DD. this is ridiculous. i'm the most sober and getting the least ass.
IT'S A FUCKING GIANT POKEBALL MAD OUT OF TINY ROSES
An old man just slapped my ass and handed me five dollars while I was filling chips at subway. I feel violated, but that was the easiest five dollars I've ever made.
I fell asleep in the tanning bed, naked, for an hour and a half and I guess they couldn't wake me up so they called the fire department...and they came in while I was passed out naked...
FINE YOU CAN EAT HOT WINGS WHILE WE HAVE SEX
Leave it to me to pull up my boyfriend’s grandfather’s obituary just to find out the name of his sister.
I worry about your feelings an awful lot for somebody who gets off on making you cry
I'll pick u up. I have to buy a new sofa cover anyway. I swear I've never seem a girl cum like that before.
Please stop calling me a pterodactyl during sex. It only happens when you're drunk, but still.
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