the best things in life are free. have that freshly fucked look and doing the walk of shame by HIS girlfriend.....priceless
When we made out her lip\nose ring fell out in my mouth. Awkward?
girls mom is dying from cancer and she msgs me for a booty call. I guess people cope with their situations differently.
Is it weird that I found myself thinking of that blue chick from Avatar while she gave me head after the movie?
It was around the time I started requesting "big girl straws" from the bartender for my jack and diets, that I knew I'd probably wake up with my sunglasses on and find my wallet in the shower.
when i went to the store to buy my pregnancy test they were giving carnations to all the moms and they gave me one and said "just in case"
I'll keep you from getting pregnant and you keep my papers gramaticallly correct
I am making dinner in lingerie and heels and there is a 75% chance his roommate is going to walk in on this.
Yup. There he is. This conversation is awkward.
I just did a line of coke with an Olympic bronze medallist. I guess we know why he only got bronze.
I'm so tired I just poured monster in my coffee.
And it tastes incredible.
And I have chest pains.
Worst drunk idea ever... Me "Cops are looking for two guys, one in a grey shirt one in a blue shirt" jelly "lets take out shirts off they'll never find us" of course I thought it was brilliant
Fine line between drunken accidental sleepover with your best friend's lab partner and gay sexathon. I did a cartwheel over that line. A CARTWHEEL THAT LANDED IN HIS LAP
DUDE I FINGERED JOE'S MOM, PLS DONT TELL HIM, MORE LATER
you thought the best thing to say to him was "you aint no fuckin cop"
Holy shit he’s stupid hot! If you don’t hurry up and make a move my ovaries are going to march over there and introduce themselves
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