he is the anna nicole to my 90 year-old billionaire. i'm grateful that he's fucking me, so i'm buying him shit.
She said her first boyfreind was so small she is still technically a virgin.
So it turns out my dad calls his penis "John" which means he either named me after his penis or his penis after me
I need someone to meet me at the end of the road and throw captain morgan at my face like they do with water at marathons
Fairly certain I called dibs on your lesbian virginity last night
She gets me. First thing she said this morning "I'll buy breakfast if you can tell me my name."
I would feel bad that's he's locked out naked, but the world should really see that.
It's been a year of occasional hook ups....this was bound to happen sometime even with your jank ovary schedule.
He's like the unplanned child of drunkenness
The night went downhill when he lit her purse on fire and tried putting it out with vodka
Every time I'm hungover I just want to watch Harry Potter and cry.
You were on the train yelling, "THIS TRAIN NEEDS TO GO FASTER SO I CAN GO HAVE SEX WITH MY BOYFRIEND!!!"
If you don't respond in the next 30min, I'm going to assume your in a sex coma, in jail, or dead... All of which I've become accustomed to, and will follow the appropriate channels of notification once you notify me.
Drank vodka clubs for 6 hours last night. Holy shit just realized that.
so apparently over the course of the night my roommate and i had sex in exactly the same spot. ps the downstairs sink needs cleaning.
Randomize
