My phone auto-corrects smirnoff to poisoned. I think it is trying to tell me something.
she sounds like chewbacca in bed
She came over with Guinness cupcakes, a case of Mickeys, wearing an Ireland flag & nothing else.
Its what jesus would do if there were bud light in his time. I feel obligated.
i almost set my kitchen on fire last night. homecoming week is getting the best of me
The usual. Woke up on a dog bed with peeps and $11.
Dude I swear I heard "geet out!!!" when I went down on her. I shouldve listened.
You hopped on the counter after puking, and told us you were wearing bare feet and didn't want to be alone.
Why do you think it's a no-pants party?
Invite says "dress to impress". Her fault for leaving it open to interpretation.
Ok I have to ask, whose idea was it to used crushed up norcos as margarita salt? And what did they say to convince everybody else to think it was a good idea?
There's a girl in the bathroom crying about something having to do with cream cheese.
Only Tommy would bring a stripper pole to a bonfire
it is basically gonna be an ugly Christmas sweater rave
I am buying anal lube, an enema, and a bag of kit kats. What part of this is compelling the Walgreens woman to tell me to "be well".
Honestly, if you don't have a lawsuit pending against you by this time tomorrow, I'll be impressed.
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