I'm drinking in the hospital parking lot.
The last two calls in my phone are dominos and 911. I'm not sure how my night went.
I'm not saying he has herpes, I'm just saying he slept with my friend that has herpes.
She was so wet my fingers were literally pruney when I got done with her
I just realized I used lady gaga lyrics in my research paper on marie antoinette
He took the lighter and said "this is how I give myself a bikini wax."
He had a ladies night special at his place. Unlimited jello shots till 10, 50 cents after.
He showed up 3 hours late wearing roller skates and acted like nothing was wrong with that.
I dunno... But she calls vodka "dancing juice"
I just had to close my blinds so my neighbors wouldn't see me drinking a beer at 9 am. GO CHIEFS!
I think I sent pictures of my boobs to an Olympic athlete...
I'm covered in glow paint and shame. I'm never leaving this country
ya I went to the grocery store literally just for cheese and condoms
I feel like I have the I just lost my virginity face and everyone at the grocery store knows it.
Shit day. Some kids decided to open my car at 3 AM while I was at work and the alarm went off. I went after them with a sword but they were minors so I didn't kill them.
Randomize