i just shit 3 out of the 4 types of matter
She is totally STD
Is it a bad omen that my phone auto corrects dtf to STD
It's American, baby! There ain't nothin gross about America.
Dude let's go to Saudi Arabia. They outlawed valentine's day. And probably love.
Thinking about fake proposing to my gf just so the middle aged women next to us will buy us drinks
I am omw to AA Fellowship by the sea w Jenny and a stripper who just paid for our jetski with 85 $1 bills
Only catch is you have to sleep in the same bed as me. But no worries, I plan on being in a random guys hotel room every night. So it's essentially yours.
I was lying there too hungover to move when my dog jumped onto my bed and set half a calzone on my pillow. Best. Dog. Ever.
Obama's speech on in 9 mins. Me in the shower now. Naked. Make your choice.
I'm bringing the tv in with me.
Drunk naked twister. My place. Heath is trying to use his dick as a third leg.
yeah that bottle of rum is only the second thing I want that kid to be pulling out of his pants
I'll bring your "congrats on finally banging" cookies tomorrow, I'm exhausted.
You came home screaming the lyrics to Drunk in love, and dumped wine on me when I said you would never be Beyoncé
In my life time, I want nothing more than to get a blow job while watching Space Jam.
Man, I miss taking bong rips in my room. Now they are bringing dogs around so all my stuff is hidden in random places up in the woods. I literaly have to hunt and gather just to get high.
Randomize
