I'm so hungover, I actually considered rolling down the stairs to avoid walking.
I just stuffed five dollars in my near empty box of camels to remind myself to buy more. And my mom says I don't budget my money
He told me he wanted to break up so he could get "closer to God."
Does God suck his dick?
You said you were going to take the sideview mirror to your own car so that nobody would steal it. Thats why you woke up with it.
I can feel the fear and stress bubbling in my stomach. Or maybe that is the pregnancy.
Dave, I love you but you're barking up the wrong lesbian. You sir are the competition. You don't threesome with competition.
I just learned my tits were fire resistant. I should join the freakin circus
You threw a shot glass at the bartender and still managed to convince him to let us drink more. You are my hero.
I peed my pants and am still dancing with guys at the club because I liked my outfit too much to change. Call the ratchet emergency
Signs of a stoner: trying everything in your fridge topped with peanut butter to seek satisfaction.
I was so drunk last night I asked a rando at the bar to take a picture with me cause I thought he was in the band
The amount of times I have been emergency drunk in the past 72 hours is staggering
Im gonna go for the gay guy. The ginger is freaking me out.
You wrapped yourself in tin-foil and told us you were Iron Man. I have pictures.
Never joke about your clitoris.
Randomize
