wouldve been great, if we lived in constant slow motion cause that shit lasted 30 seconds and half the time he was putting on the condom
i'm having a wet tshirt contest with myself and yet i'm still losing
Eventually the creepy theater major quirks will come out. Probably in bed. Like role playing as the Phantom of the Opera
I just had to ask my dad for money to pay for my birth control. I've hit financial rock bottom.
Everybody knows the last week of summer internships include showing up to the office hammered and hitting on the CEO
He's only a freshman and he needs to expirence shit like that..
YOU would be the Freshman Expirence
It was all cool until he grabbed my vag and started screaming: THIS IS MINE.
Things I just found under my covers: protein bar, string cheese, vibrator.
I AM TEN TEQUIA SHOOTS ON AND I JUST SAW SOMEONE DO A BODY SHOT OFFF OF JESUS
THIS FEELS SO WROG AND OH SO RIGHT
So I just sent my ex a video snap chat of me getting head from some Venezuelan hottie with the caption I still love you. Think she'll take me back?
Also I'm at the pub and there are old lady pirates gyrating on a pole. I wish you were here.
Look I'm really high right now, and if I were to leave this house, it would be for the sole purpose of getting an ice cream sandwich. So can you please just do it.
She tried deep frying a banana by placing one, unpeeled, into a toaster.
I JUST SENT A TOILET SELFIE TO THE WRONG PERSON.
You faceplanted on the railroad tracks and when I tried to tell you to get up, you told me you were "taking a quick breather"
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