I an trashes at a wedding. Hotbcousins here I come. Agh.
So I was watching the View and they were saying oral sex is the new goodnight kiss
So when are we having a sleepover?
I don't even remember his name...i'm just gonna save it as birthday sex
She touched you, you're now contaminated for 48 hours. Please watch out for rashes, hives and STDs as she's known to have all three.
I don't know if it was the room or her, but as soon as the pants came off, it smelt like a locker room and old man farts.
Dude, I couldn't come. She sounded like a goddamn dying walrus.
did we decide the 'sorry about the threesome' cake was too flippant?
I have green food coloring in my hair and just got a text from "Guy in the Yard"...so this morning is going just as you might imagine.
So it's national ass day?! I love October. No bra last Saturday and now ass day. This is my month. God is dedicating this October to me!
Hey, you can't rush the perfect creeper shot. I need buffer time to hone my skills.
I don't even remember what he looks like. All I know is he's 6 foot 100. I like that.
I just realized now that you're pregnant we can't use alcohol as currency
I made my uber driver take a pit stop between clubs so we could restock on Xanax. #priorities
If you sleep with him I will stab you int the uterus with a pitchfork.
Prepare the pitchfork.
She puked on the floor because she said she really liked to clean.
Randomize
