nothing makes up for a small, perpetually flaccid penis quite like a British accent
Apparently 151 is to me what spinach is to popeye.
Balcony sex scratched the shit out of my phone. Whups.
I told her you were a premature ejaculator. She nodded and said "Really? Wow, how long's he been a Pilot for?"
you are both the best and worst wingman ever.
Its that time of year where we just drink more instead of dressing warmer
Is all white too much for court to prove my innocents?
she had that "i just got used" look on her face when i kicked her out at 5am
The couch is in the bathroom. I don't understand how that is even possible. I couldnt even fit that shelf thingy through the door. Come help. I am about to pee my pants.
It is a special kind of bonus when you find money you hid from yourself when you were drunk in the tampon box. What did we do last period?
I had to steal sneakers from my man of the night. I dipped. But then realized I left my purse in his house. So I had to stash the shoes in some bushes and wait for him on the stoop. Then after he watches me leave, I run back and get the shoes cuz I didn't wanna be taking my hour long journey home through London at 3 pm in my six inch wedges and club dress
I look like i have multiple stab wounds in my foot and there are footprints from the elevator to my room. What happened?
I don't know, I think having hemorrhoids shows character. You have to be trying pretty hard to get them.
Have you ever seen death before? Bc it's me right now in yesterday's clothes.
I have serious attachment issues. I just realized how long its been since ive smoked out of my bong and I feel guilty for dis owning it this week
The heart wants what the heart wants, and once again it’s a guy with brown hair, wears a chain, and has a nicotine addiction.
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