the guy working at the drive-thru just asked me if i wanna bang after he gets off work tonight.
given your current drought situation, im genuinely curious to know what your answer was
i told him maybe and gave him my number. sad? probably. but even if the sex is bad maybe i'll get a free burger out of it
He still wants to giggity, regardless of his girlfriend. So...I guess I'm happy again.
I just want to make him a cookie cake that says "you have no chance with me."
the line for where the wild things are looks like radiohead had sex with an urban outfitters
The puppy is a lightweight. 3 beers and he's passed out on the floor already. I repeat, the puppy is a lightweight.
Also got home. Still stoned. Mom was up. We made a pizza and were writing a children's book. Sleep good.
You told them that the brownies were safe, and then pointed to a passed out Ryan and said "see?"
I'm just planning on experiencing Disney as adult style as it gets. Drinking bloody mary's at dawn and telling all the kids waiting in lines how badly their future sucks and that Santa isn't real.
This must be what defeat feels like to Tom Brady today. I bet he wishes he could barf up all of his bad decisions from yesterday, too.
Cop came to our door looking for you. Something about sex in public and intoxication. I said you matched the description.
was it wrong to tell him he's welcome in my pants any time?
I am at 99 matches in less than 24 hours, I need a tinder rehab program
Also I know now I was meant to be a comedian. Had both arresting officers laughing.
it's 1043 pm. still havent changed out of the shirt i wore last night so at this point i figure i'll go for twosies.
I look forward to getting really drunk tonight and startling some rando’s mother tomorrow morning while she’s up early making a turkey
It’s a holiday tradition at this point
Randomize
