I checked into jail on foursquare
I HATE DRINKING WITH JUST GIRLS, ITS 1030 THEYRE ALL HAMMERED AND TALKING ABOUT HOW AWESOME THEIR SHOES ARE!!!!!!!
I think he may have overheard our "how much coke would you fuck me for" conversation last night...
I feel like a great embryo-shaped weight has been lifted off my shoulders.
We hooked up with his aunt passed out next to us. It was just like old times.
Your message cut off at "shit on the floor". Your life is incredible.
I fucked a guy that's in Sports illustrated. I'm officially ready for college.
When we were done he got down next to the bed and I thought he was Tebowing. He was hitting a bong that he had already loaded and hidden under the bed.
Sitting in bed reading a porn novel off my phone and accidentally just made Siri start reading the most graphic part aloud. FUN FIRST NIGHT WITH THE NEW ROOMIE.
What's protocol when the 18 year old son of an anti-gay preacher sends you a message on Grindr during church?
I just lifted up my shirt to scratch my stomach n a Dorito flew out of my pullover n it legit scared me when it hit me.
you are the root of all my greats nights and my worsts decisions
ugh i want to get waxed but I’m afraid. my vagina has had enough trauma this week, i don’t know if I can put her thru any more.
What are you, a fucking toaster ?
I’m getting back at my ex and training my new boy toy how to properly satisfy a woman. I’m killing two birds with one dick.
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