Best feeling in the world? holding your pee all day for a negative preggo test
she made my bed before she left. i think i'm gonna keep banging her to get the housework done
At what point in time did you think it was ok to jizz in my hair while I slept??
Around the time you told me my brothers dick was bigger.
For some reason 'start yourself on fire drunk' isn't nearly as funny after last 4th of july..
I elbow dropped a bag of ice to break it so we could make margaritas. I bled everywhere. Be proud.
Running into your random closeted hookup from last night is really awkward when you have to sit next to him and his girlfriend in a 200 person class.
You're the only person I know who would be upset about making out with a girl you like. You're like a drunken Charlie Brown.
Drunk dialed the ex last nigh; turns out I miss dialed. The stranger who answered played along and apologized for sleeping with my cousin. She sent me a txt this morning to let me know.
Kindest stranger ever. Marry that girl.
I swear if he puts my hand anywhere near his dick tonight I'm "accidentally" leaving all my rings on
Your dog took my vibrator out to the yard
I've come to realize that I need a break from life when I just tried to use my address numbers as the cook time on the microwave
So you don't take a regular pic with her, but you take a selfie with her ass. Interesting...
Please remind me next time not to call the ex who cheated on me to cry about the ex who forgave me for putting him in prison. It would be much appreciated.
can I CTRL ALT DELETE this universe
This date is awful. He’s too boring to bang
Is porn accurate? Can I order a pizza and do the delivery boy?
Randomize
